All Columns in Alphabetical Order

Monday, September 17, 2012

Canine Sensation Lucy Vonnegut Shares Her New Look! Look at Lucy Post-Fashion-Week-Makeover! Hear Her Latest as Told to Peachy Deegan!

Lucy Vonnegut Post-Makeover

Lucy's Original Story:

Lucy Before the Makeover:

From the Desk of Lucy


Eek. Eek. Eek.  
This is an emergency. I told Norb nothing too short. Something 
classic. Something Jackie-O. Something that works well with my pearls.  
You know the ones I mean, the gray string with a diamond clasp. The ones I 
double loop. I never did go for those chokers. No woofing way, which—if you m
ust know—is dog-speak for exactly what you think it means.

But did Norb listen?

I don't think sooooo. My boy must have Shih Tzu in his ears. Oh, I 
could just scream. The salon shaved my body bald. There I was, my head 
in curls, my tail too, and the next thing I know…. Wham! There's pink skin 
peeking out my fur everywhere. It's enough to make a girl put on clothes.  
Even me.

Can you be a Peach and dial 9-1-1 hair extensions for me? Or better 
yet, get Rodney Cutler on the line, like now. This is an emergency. I need a 
professional.  You've got to let me know if they make Redken for Dogs.

Eek. Eek. Eek.

The hair salon barely touched my tail. Same thing with my face. Not 
that I blame them, of course. It's hard to improve on a snout and, yes, tail 
this good. But duh. What were they thinking? I'm all head, Peach girl, one 
fat, shaggy-dog face and no shoulders.  
Even Jay Leno noticed. His people contacted my publicist. I thought 
we were going to do lunch. "Not so fast," the handlers say. "We have 
something special in mind."

So they say.

Jay's featuring me on that horrid spot during his monologue: Who's 
head is bigger? You know the one I mean—he plans to take my picture and 
superimpose my head on his. OMG, if my head is bigger than his, I'll never 
show my face in public again.

No woofing way.

Peach, get Rodney on the line. I'll clear anybody on my schedule for 
him, with the possible exception of Jake Gyllenhaal. That boy is so adorable.  
If you ask me, nobody in Hollywood smells more divine.

Tootles and BFF.

-a note from the Editor-
We highly encourage you to read all works by Norb Vonnegut:

Back to TOP